I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
