I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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