is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
