My cat gives me a boner
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.