we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.