i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
