I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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