The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
