The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
