Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
