Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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