no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
