Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
