What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
