well you can't waste a boner
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
