I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
