goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
