Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
it's like iHOP with fire
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
