New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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