just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
