i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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