Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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