I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
