I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
