and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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