hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
