i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
