i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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