Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
