So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
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you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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