I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
