I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
