my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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