Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
