He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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