I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
