I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
