Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
