Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
