I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
