Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Randomize
