Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
