So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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