I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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