I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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