i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
