She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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