at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
bring money and cleavage
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
