Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
