make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
