I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
