I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
