Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
she told me i tasted like america
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
