I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
