Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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