The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
