True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
