i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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