wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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