Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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